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merda no sapato: Deus - ninguém brinca com ele

terça-feira, maio 03, 2005

Deus - ninguém brinca com ele

Reparei que nos últimos tempos tenho abordado temas um tanto ao quanto polémicos, tenho falado de religião e talvez seja esse o motivo dos sucessivos e-mails que um fanático da igreja me mandara, talvez seja também essa a explicação para o facto de não me comentarem recentemente o blog.
Na verdade fiquei um pouco preocupado e reflecti seriamente no assunto. Sim, cheguei à conclusão que na verdade vocês têm razão, com a igreja e com a religião não se brinca. Queria pois por isso pedir formalmente desculpas às pessoas que ofendera, e que agora vou voltar a ofender neste meu novo texto.



Entrevista a Deus:


Stephane F. Oliveira - Olá Boa noite, o meu nome é Stephane Filipe Oliveira, sou repórter do Merda no Sapato. Gostaria de entrevistá-lo caso seja possível e tenha disponibilidade.

Deus - Claro, meu caro. Estou aqui é para alguma coisa, a minha função não se limita só a castigar os infies mandando-os para o Inferno, estar sentado no sofá enquanto suplicam pelo perdão. A minha função não se limita a ficar aqui à espera que me lambam as botas enquanto rezam louvando o meu nome. Não estou aqui só para que me ofereçam sacríficios de animais e pessoas. Não me limito a ver os fieis arrastando-se de joelhos até ao sangue enquanto seguram um terço rezando infinitamente todas as orações que sabem e que na verdade não as percebem muito bem. Eu também tenho a minha vida sabe? A minha vida não é só isto. Eu também me divirto, eu também vou para a noite e bebo os meus copitos de vinho, também como os meus corpitos de Cristo, também ouço a minha música sacra, também faço amor com a minha Maria, mas atenção, sempre sem preservativo, pois como é certo e sabido, como nos diz o Vaticano, todo o tipo de métodos contraceptivos são pecaminosos. Não será pois de admirar toda a carrada de filhos que tenho por aqui espalhados, como você pode ver.
Olhe, tenho aqui um mesmo à minha frente. Jeremias chega aqui! Está a ver, este é o mais novo. Por acaso não tarda nada deve morrer, é que sabe - o meu salário não é muito grande, o Vaticano e o Reino de Deus fica-me com grande parte dos fundos e então torna-se díficil alimentar a todos. É chato isto, mas que se dane, antes isso do que usar preservativo. Ultimamente até só tenho tido dinheiro para hóstias, o que é um bocado chato. Tenho andado a vinho e a hóstias e isto não me está a fazer muito bem à saúde.

SFO - Mas, sendo você Deus porque é que não faz nada? Você podia resolver todos os seus problemas usando os seus poderes, fazendo milagres por exemplo.

Deus- Pois podia, mas sabe, é que depois de terminada a segunda guerra mundial o paraíso ficou cheio de Judeus. É melhor não fazer nada, estes tipos são meios traiçoeiros, ainda me crucificam só porque tenho mais poder que eles.

SFO - Mas... espere lá. Isto decididamente está a tornar-se confuso, então você não pode evitar isso? Caramba, você é omnipresente e omnipotente.

Deus - Então e você não terá porventura lido a bíblia. Eu nesse caso não poderia fazer nada!

SFO - Mas, mas isso não faz sentido! Porque não podia fazer nada?

Deus - Sei lá... é a forma como as coisas são. Eu na verdade, se quer que lhe diga só consigo curar cegos, mancos, pernetas, surdos, e, de quando em vez, transformar água em vinho e bagaço se for possível.

SFO - Mas você não é Deus? Está a querer gozar-me?

Deus - Pá, eu sou o Deus cristão, isto na verdade existem muitos Deuses, existo Eu, o Alah, o Buda, o Jah que está sempre todo fodido... enfim... todos eles existem mesmo, é estranho mas é verdade, todas as religiões estão certas e as outras é que estão erradas.

SFO - Está a querer dizer-me que as religiões são como partidos políticos?

Deus - Sim, é verdade de facto. Só que neste caso quando existem guerras são chamadas de santas e acaba por ficar tudo bem. Na verdade quem matar mais pessoas e converter à força mais fieis maior grau de santidade adquire. Olhe bem ao seu lado, olhe bem para o Nuno Alvres Pereira. O gajo aqui é um santo!

SFO - Pronto, até aqui tudo bem... acho que já entendi. Agora só uma pergunta. Se foi você que nos criou a nós, à sua imagem e semelhança, quem é que o criou a você?

Deus - Ora aì está sem dúvida uma boa pergunta. Se quer mesmo que lhe diga, não sei bem... mas andam para aì uns tipos a dizerem que foi um gajo chamado Edir Macedo. É um bispo da Igreja Universal do Reino de Deus. Eu, o Allah, o José, e uns quantos Deuses mais, somos crentes desta bela religião. Converti-me há pouco tempo mas estou a gostar muito de lá estar, foi lá que aprendi a desprover-me de todos os falsos valores divinos e de todo o dinheiro. O dinheiro e os valores divinos são coisas do Diabo, é por isso que não tenho problemas em oferece-los à IURD, eles sim sabem o que fazer com eles, e para além disso, isto de viver na miséria, e sofrer constamente lavagens cerebrais não é tão mau quanto isso.

SFO - Uma última pergunta, o que acha da nomeação do novo papa ao cardeal Joseph Ratzinger?

Deus - Peço imensa desculpa, mas lembrei-me agora que não posso na verdade dar entrevistas, nem tão pouco pensar por mim próprio. Já me tinha esquecido. Bem, lá vou ter de dar mais uns quinhentos contitos ao bispo Edir... Raios partam a sorte... mas atenção... gosto muito!

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eu,fiquei um tanto surpreso que uma pessoa como vc ainda tenho alguma coisa boa a dizer,mas logo vi que os porcos sempre volytam a lama.vc pediu descupas,e volta a ofender as pessoas e Deus um ser supremo,maravilho e bom .que te tolerta a ponto de vc dizer tantas bovbagens.gosta que vc não mais pediss desculpass para que vc não volte a ofender a Deus.

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